It’s the Holiday Season …
It's November first. Halloween was great, but now the Christmas music is being blasted everywhere you go, the decorations have switched from spooky to cozy, and people are discussing the menu for multiple holiday gatherings.
It's the most wonderful time of the year... for some people.
For you? It's the first time hosting Thanksgiving dinner at your house, because your mom always used to do that. It's your first Christmas since your sister died, and the thought of her never opening the present you bought back in July makes you feel nauseous and teary. For you, this is one of the times you've been dreading most since hearing that your loved one died.
The holidays are often described as magical, and honestly, I think that was an accurate description in childhood. Traditions, food, presents, time off... of course it was magical. As you grow up, of course some of that changes (*cough cough* Santa!) but it is still generally a beloved time with family, tradition, and good will. So what happens when you lose part of that? What happens when a loved one dies and then you have to go through the holiday season without them?
What to Expect the First Holiday Season After a Loved One Dies
Lots of Change
If you've been grieving for more than 0.5 seconds, you probably know that grief is full of change. Loss often leads to changes in our daily activities, our habits, our social circle/network, our mood, and 47,000 other changes. The same is true for the holidays. Where you go, who you spend time with, how you're feeling, what you do, and more can change. Change is hard on its own and when it's change we didn't want, it's 10 times harder.
Some people try to avoid the change as much as possible and carry on traditions, such as making cookies or watching certain holiday movies. Some people find that engaging in their old habits is too raw and causes more pain than comfort. Neither is more correct than the other; do what feels right for you.
Mixed Feelings
Again, if you have been grieving, you are likely aware that grief leads to a lot of mixed feelings: anger and sadness, disappointment and relief, joy and regret, to name a few. This is also true around the holidays. Maybe you've always loved this time of year, so you're excited to have something fun to look forward to. But then you feel guilty for feeling happy... and then you feel sad because you miss them. Or maybe everything you enjoyed about the holidays was tied to the loved one that died and now you're dreading the holidays without them, while also feeling angry that they left you. Guilt, despair, joy, wistfulness, and nostalgia are some of the most common feelings I hear grievers describe around the first holiday season after loss.
Everyone Handling it Differently
So, if there is a lot of change and a lot of mixed feelings, you can expect that these combinations might impact others differently. Whether it is a family member or friend that passed away, other people will be missing and grieving them too. Expect that others will feel differently than you. You might not want to celebrate, but your child desperately wants to continue the holiday traditions in order to feel close to their deceased loved one. You might want to look at beloved photos and home videos, but it might be too painful for your brother.
How to Get Through the Holidays After Someone Dies
Give Yourself Grace
This is a time that you may not know how you feel until it arrives. Be gentle with yourself and allow for some flexibility if your feelings change. You do not HAVE to go to the party, carry on that tradition, or even treat the holiday as a special time. You are allowed to say no, to relax, and even ignore the holiday altogether, if that's what feels best for you. If what you want or don't want changes, that's okay too. Being hard on yourself or having certain expectations is likely only going to cause additional suffering for you.
Traditions
If you want to prepare the same meal you've always had for Thanksgiving, watch the same movie for Christmas, or go to the same party for New Years, do it. If you want to completely scrap your traditions this year, do it. A tradition can always return in the future if you want, or you can start new ones. There is no right or wrong way to handle traditions after a loved one dies. You might eventually re-engage in an old tradition to honor a loved one or create a new ritual in order to remember them.
Do What You Gotta Do
There is no one size fits all approach to grief and that extends to the holiday season too. Asking yourself "What do I need or want?" is a simple, yet sometimes challenging question that can help you take care of you. If there were no expectations, no one else with input, just you... what would you want to do on this holiday? If there is no way for you to do only what you want, then remember to give yourself grace and do what you have to in order to get through this time. That may be leaving an event early or being less talkative than you usually are. This is an abnormal time, so expect that you may be acting outside of your own norms. And that's okay.
What if I am Still Struggling After the Holidays?
Grief is an ongoing experience and it does not disappear after a certain point in time. Grief counseling is one way to have ongoing support and assistance in navigating this life-altering experience. You can learn more about grief counseling here and if you would like to schedule a consultation call with me, you can use this form to schedule it.