The “Stages” of Grief
Unless you've been living under a rock, you have probably heard of the 5 Stages of Grief.
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
We see them mentioned in movies, TV shows, books, the media, etc. To be honest, I think the portrayal of them (and possibly even the name) is misleading. When I hear stages, I think of something that progresses in an expected way, such as a development project with multiple buildings or a recipe that has steps that (usually) need to happen in a certain order. Let's unpack this a bit.
Origins
Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross originally came up with this concept, actually noting what she saw in patients responding to their own impending deaths, not grieving another. She also mentioned other such stages, such as guilt, anxiety, shock, etc., and after her model became popularized, she said so herself that the stages were not linear. Kübler-Ross also said that not everyone goes through every "stage" and that sometimes, we experience more than one at a time. So, “stages,” in the traditional sense, might not be the best word here.
The Misnomer of a Stage
As you can see, with grief, "stage" might not be the most fitting word. It's a feeling, an experience of grief that we commonly see. I have never met anyone who started in "stage 1" and kept progressing one by one until the final stage of acceptance. That just does not happen. People are often switching frequently (sometimes even during a therapy session) and might never experience one or more of the so-called stages.
What Do These Actually Look Like
It's also important to know what we mean by each of these experiences or stages.
Denial: While this can be a straight up response of choosing to believe that someone is not gone, this is also what we see in movies when the first responder comes to the door to tell someone their loved one has died and they say, "No, it can't be, I just talked to him a few minutes ago." This can also be a way we protect ourselves from pain, if we tell ourselves that a loved one is just on vacation.
Anger: Anger as a response to loss shows up in a lot of directions-- anger at the deceased, anger at the self, anger at the world... etc. We might be angry at the person for leaving us, angry at ourselves that we didn't spend as much time with them or tell them how we felt. It might be anger at someone we felt caused their death or at a higher power for taking them away. This one is a little easier to identify, in my opinion.
Bargaining: This one always made the least amount of sense to me, but knowing that it was originally noticed in the dying makes more sense. "If I can just live a year longer, I will be kinder, stop drinking, start donating to charity, etc." I often notice this as wistful thinking, such as, "If I just had 5 more minutes with her, I would give up ____," or "I would take 10 years off my life in order to see him again." This is a 'stage' I don't always see in my work as a grief counselor.
Depression: This is probably the most common experience, or the most stereotypical response to loss that people think of. Think laying around in bed all day, unable to get up and face the world without a loved one. Sometimes, people are wondering how they will be able to go on without a loved one or worry they will not find any happiness since the death. This can be a debilitating response to grief and while it is a normal response, getting "stuck" in this stage can be damaging.
Acceptance: Likely the stage most people would like to be in, acceptance looks different for every person experiencing grief. Simply, I think it is when the other stages/experiences are as low as possible. I often see "flares" of anger or depression, especially about death anniversaries or other significant events, but I think acceptance usually looks like a person living the best version of their life without the person they lost. As a grief counselor, one of my favorite parts of my job is helping people figure out what acceptance means to them.
Reality Check
Even the founder of this model says the stages are not linear, so don't expect them to be. Expect to feel a variety of emotions at a time, and for shifts to happen, often suddenly. Expect to be angry, but also sad, and also confused at the same time. Expect for those other "stages," like shock and anxiety to make an appearance. Feel your feelings and let the stages ebb and flow through you. The more you try to avoid it or push it away, the stronger that emotion or stage clings to you.
What To Do About It
Yeah, so, great, we know the stages of grief are not linear, now what? Grief is a normal part of life; most people will go through some form of grief or loss in their life. Just because something is normal does NOT mean we don't deserve or wouldn’t benefit from help. Attending counseling for grief allows a space to process your loss, without worrying how everyone else is taking the loss, and to find clarity and direction about moving forward. When working with someone experiencing loss, the five stage model serves as a stepping stone to sorting out feelings and experiences. The services I provide as a grief counselor guide people through loss in order to help them feel grounded and purposeful as they navigate their next steps in life.
Moral of the Story
Long story short, when we talk about the five stages of grief (or any clinical model, for that matter), try not to take things too literally. We are simply using a framework to help us make sense of the world around us and the experiences we are having.